Long MRT rides, late-night calls: How married couples cope living apart while waiting for a home

For the first one-and-a-half years of her marriage, Ms Jasmine Lim’s answer to the question of "How's married life?" was always this: "No difference". 

After tying the knot in December 2023, the human resource professional and her husband continued living with their respective families until May 2025, when their Build-to-Order (BTO) flat was ready. 

"We wanted to stagger our wedding and renovation expenses. Renting a flat together wasn't an option due to the significant cost," the 29-year-old said of their decision to get married without having a marital home ready. 

Most newlyweds tend not to end up in their situation.

The typical route that a married Singaporean couple take is usually this: Apply for a BTO flat from the Housing and Development Board, wait an average of three to four years for it to be ready and get hitched close to the completion date before moving into a new flat together. 

However, Ms Lim and her husband Leslie Lee, 31, a finance professional, are among a number of couples in Singapore who chose or are choosing to live in different homes temporarily after marriage, and they have found ways to manage this inconvenience.
 

Most of the interviewees who spoke to CNA TODAY said that BTO flats were the most affordable housing option for them. 

Given that the government has, in recent years, taken strides to improve waiting times for BTO flats, they considered the wait between being married and having a home bearable, when they took into account the subsidies they would receive.  

As to why they wanted to get married earlier rather than later, the couples said that they wanted to stagger or lock in wedding expenses at a cheaper rate. 

They also chose not to rent temporarily or stay with just one of their families due to costs or for fear that they would offend one of their families. 

Mr Kelvin Siew, 32, a user experience consultant for digital products, and his fiancee Denise Yeo, 30, a user experience designer, agreed that it was more cost-effective for their wedding to come first as vendors often hike up wedding banquet package prices yearly. 

After they tie the knot this October, they plan to split their time between both of their homes until their BTO flat in Bedok is ready in late 2027. He lives with his parents in the east, she lives with hers in the central region, "quite a distance away", Mr Siew said.

"A wedding is already a big financial and emotional event. Renovation will be another big thing. So having some breathing space between the two actually feels helpful," he added.

Mr Siew also decided that they would split his and Ms Yeo's time equally between both sets of in-laws, alternating whose home they stay in to be "fair" to everyone. 

"Different families have different expectations, especially when it comes to marriage. So we're trying to find a way that feels fair and respectful to everyone," he said. 

LONG MRT RIDES, LATE-NIGHT VIDEO CALLS

Without a shared marital home, couples said that having to deal with the logistics of shuttling between two homes can take a toll on their relationship and lives. 

For F&B entrepreneur Mr Jason Chua, 34, he and his wife went through three years of shuttling between opposite ends of the island – his family home was in Loyang in the east, while she lived in Bukit Batok, before they finally moved into their own home in mid-2022. 

He recalled crossing the island to see his wife as often as possible despite working long hours at his now-defunct hawker stall, Beng Who Cooks. 

"That period, we were carrying our weekend bags on the MRT, going back and forth," he said. "It was very tiring because I had to change train lines and take a bus. Carrying a backpack filled with clothes didn't help."

Mr Chua and his wife had successfully balloted for a BTO flat in 2017. When they married in 2019, they never expected that the COVID-19 pandemic would delay the completion of their matrimonial home, which was supposed to be ready by late 2021.

The pair did not consider renting despite technically being eligible for the Parenthood Provisional Housing Scheme, under which eligible married couples can rent directly from the government while waiting for their BTO flat, because of the added expense.

They also opted to get married without holding a banquet, instead of holding a small ceremony at his parents’ home.

Mr Mira Ron Fabe, 29, and his wife Kay Wong, 28, who got married in March, are also now waiting to move into their first home together. 

Unlike the other couples CNA TODAY interviewed, their situation is slightly different because they have not applied for a BTO yet. 

Ms Wong, who is Malaysian, is waiting for her permanent residency to be approved so that she can buy a resale home with Mr Mira, a Singaporean. 

They both typically see each other only twice a week owing to their work schedules. 

At the end of their date nights, Mr Mira still heads home to his family home in Woodlands, while Ms Wong goes home to Punggol. 

Mr Mira, an assistant service manager at a bank, said: "So far we've been staying positive. I know we are being cost-effective. But the hardest part is when we go on outings, we take the MRT back separately and do not head to the same home."

Ms Wong, who works in medical equipment sales, said that their nightly video calls – and falling asleep together over these calls – are essential as a way for them to maintain their relationship.

"Some nights, when there’s no call, I’ll get upset and feel lonely," she added.

The couple said that their biological clocks are also ticking and they are concerned about whether they will be able to start a family soon.

The pair, who met five years ago while studying in the same private university, want to ideally have their first child before 30.  

Another issue that couples brought up about being married without a marital home is the inexplicable feeling that they are still stuck in the dating phase.

"It was just a formalisation of our relationship status, but no change to the way we live life together," Ms Lim said.

To keep the romance alive while living apart, Ms Lim and her husband tried to spend as much quality time together as possible on weekends and planned at least two overseas trips together each year.

Mr Mira said the only outward change in his relationship with Ms Wong is the wedding bands they now sport.

"My friends and family who live overseas couldn't understand why we are married with no house," Ms Wong said. "They would ask, 'Are you guys facing any financial difficulties?'"

THE COST OF LIVING APART

If a marriage feels more tangible to couples only when they move in together, then does the act of registering one's marriage still hold significance in Singapore or has it become a mere formality?

Professor Sumit Agarwal, the president of the Asian Bureau of Finance and Economics Research, sees the choice to live apart after marriage as "a very Singaporean adjustment to economic reality".

"For many young couples, ROM (Registry of Marriages) is no longer the point at which they immediately form a new household. It is often the beginning of a waiting period – for the BTO flat, for financial stability and for the couple to feel ready to take on the full cost of independent living," he said.  

Prof Agarwal also said one should not assume that couples are less committed to each other just because they do not cohabitate immediately after marriage.

He added that the BTO system has transformed marriage from a purely personal milestone into an institutional gateway to security: access to subsidised housing, Central Provident Fund use, asset ownership and long-term household wealth.

"That is powerful, but it also means housing delays can become marriage delays, and marriage delays can become family delays," he said.

And family delays could then further exacerbate Singapore's total fertility rate, which dropped from 0.97 in 2024 to 0.87 in 2025, reaching a historic low. 

Experts also pointed out how making housing decisions in Singapore, where it is a significant financial commitment, can already put a strain on couples, even before the act of moving into a new home. 

Marriage counsellor Theresa Pong said: "These conversations can become emotionally charged and place considerable strain on couples who are still learning to make major life decisions together."

As for the feeling that they are still stuck in the dating stage, Ms Pong, who has worked with married couples who are living apart while waiting for a marital home, said it is common for these feelings to arise. 

"One of the common concerns is that couples may struggle to build a shared marital identity. This would involve developing daily routines, shared experiences, and a sense of 'us'.

“When couples live separately, these opportunities for connection can be very much reduced.” 

Living together often marks a symbolic transition into shared daily life, where couples begin to build routines, share responsibilities and experience everyday moments that strengthen their sense of marriage, Ms Pong added.  

Nevertheless, living apart does not automatically mean a marriage will struggle, the experts said. 

What really matters and will help couples to thrive is to maintain their emotional connection, build their relationship and align their goals, Ms Pong said. 

It seems that Mr Siew, who will live apart from his wife after their wedding in October, is on track to a happy marriage despite not having a marital home ready for about a year.    

On his upcoming nuptials, he said: "It's not just about the physical house. It's also about making commitments in every aspect of life, learning to become a family and starting to make decisions together.

"The house is part of the journey. But marriage itself still represents a huge change in our lives. So even if the arrangement is not the most traditional at the start, it still feels very meaningful to us."

For Mr Chua, who spent three years shuttling between Loyang and Bukit Batok, he said he had no regrets about the arrangement and had this to say to other couples thinking about taking the plunge before securing a home.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."